


The Letter

by BatteryAcid



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-24
Updated: 2013-02-24
Packaged: 2017-12-03 12:30:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/698249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BatteryAcid/pseuds/BatteryAcid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The letter was the beginning.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The First Fold

**Author's Note:**

> I hate notes but here I am writing a note.
> 
> This, as always, started out as a oneshot, now it has eight chapters.
> 
> This was quite quick so if there are any looming mistakes, please do notify me about them.
> 
> And excuse my 'letter based puns' for chapter titles .-.

“Gerard, I love you. You know that. So I’m saying this from the heart. This was a really stupid fucking idea.”

Gerard glanced at his brother’s face before frowning and turning back to the television. He didn’t know what he was watching but he knew it was loud! But still not loud enough to drown out Frank’s shouts from outside. Mikey sat directly in front of the screen and caught Gerard’s eyes with his. From behind the rims of his glasses, he looked on the verge of anger, which told his brother that to get that kind of reaction, maybe it was a really fucking stupid idea.

“Well, I know that now!” He stood up from the sofa and began to pace, making Mikey dizzy as his converse wore patterns into the carpet. Gerard began manically combing his greasy hair with his fingers so it stood up in the air. It would have looked comical if not for the pained expression he wore as he listened to Frank’s screaming. What had first been angry shouts and the sound of Frank’s feet against Gerard’s new car where now desperate pleas and possibly even tears- 

Gerard stopped pacing. He was being sucked in by Frank again. This wasn’t fair. He’d done this for the band. For everyone. So why did it feel like this was such a selfish thing to do?!

“Bob the builder, can he fix it? Bob the builder, yes he-“

Mikey’s face turned a shade of crimson as he answered his phone. He’d honestly forgotten Alicia had been messing around with it. Gerard just stared at Mikey, his hands still in his hair as he listened carefully for sounds which would tell him that it was Frank calling, again. But Mikey seemed calm, too calm to have the angry munchkin down the other end, Gerard decided.

“Yeah, he’s still out front. Come round the back, the door’s unlocked.”

“The door’s unlocked?!” A pair of hands pulled Mikey so close that he could smell the coffee and cigarettes on his brother’s breath.

“Hey, get off! It’s not my fault that your boyfriend’s too stupid to realise that we have a back door!” Mikey spoke hurriedly, trying to move towards the garden so as to see the others coming in. He moved swiftly away, his phone still clutched to his ear.

“Ex!” Gerard’s voice came out as a hiss of venom and he scared himself with the intensity of it. He let his eyes scan the living room, a mess of comics and empty plates from where he and Mikey had been hiding out. Frank never seemed to need sleep and he’d honestly lost track of the time that Frank had been waiting them out; but then again Gerard had never been the best at time keeping. He let his eyes wander to the window, where the curtain was pulled tight after Mikey had realised being able to actually see Gerard made Frank even angrier. And an angry Frank caused Gerard to hyperventilate. Calming him down had been a fun way to spend an afternoon.

Gerard ran after Mikey, suddenly realising there was only a locked door between him and Frank. In that second, the red wooden door could have been made of cardboard. Mikey was gesturing manically out the window as Bob and Ray turned the corner and began to enter the garden. Bob looked tired, like he’d just woken up while Ray was springing ahead of the two, pulling Bob along by the hand. He carelessly kicked the gate open, not fully aware of the danger that lurked a few metres away, just outside the entrance of the alley which ran by Gerard’s house. The gate gave a spine chilling creak and Mikey turned to his brother, his brows knitted in frustration.

“I meant to get it fixed?” Gerard offered half-heartedly but honestly with all the work of the new album and stuff with Frank, he hadn’t been thinking too much about his squeaky back gate.

Mikey opened the door just in time to hear a sound that made both Ray and Bob freeze outside and made the hairs on the back of Gerard’s neck stand up, though with all the finger combing they were kind of stood up already. 

“Gerard! Mikey! Is that you?!”

Ray seemed to sense the danger and sprinted for the door, letting go of Bob’s hand. He took a giant leap over the threshold and raised his arms in the air like he’d just ran a marathon, his hair seeming to move of its own accord. Mikey just raised a judging eyebrow at him before turning to try and save Bob. But Bob was now walking round the front of the house and no amount of arm waving and name whispering would stop him. 

“Quick! Upstairs!” Gerard led the way to his bedroom where they would be able to see the two from above. While Gerard expertly swerved the piles of week old clothing cluttering his floor, Mikey paused to have an over-the-top coughing fit at the smell and Ray screamed as his feet were engulfed in crusty socks and underwear.

“How old are you?” The sarcasm dripped off Gerard’s tongue as he pulled back the black curtain to reveal a stream of light which only showed more of the filth that coated his room.

“You know that washing basket I bought you for your birthday wasn’t for decoration, right?” Gerard ignored his brother, letting his eyes find the gentle giant and the hot headed midget out the window.

Frank seemed to be getting louder and louder and Bob was clearly trying to calm him down but not getting anywhere fast. He watched the pair of tattooed arms flap around but Bob didn’t seem to understand any of the furious words coming out of his mouth and just backed away a little to avoid a punch in the jaw. Suddenly the pair froze and Bob removed something small and metallic from his pocket. Mikey leaned over his brother so as to see more clearly but the light was blinding his eyes behind his glasses and he had to blink to refocus them every time he squinted. Man, he should really rethink that laser eye surgery thing!

They watched as Bob mouthed a hesitant ‘Hello’ into his phone and Gerard let his arms grab at Mikey’s neck in fear as he heard a voice ring out behind them.

“Hi. Yeah, it’s me!” Ray gave Gerard a look over his phone as Mikey tried to stop his brother climbing his slender frame like a tree.

Reluctantly, Gerard removed himself from Mikey and Mikey self-consciously flattened his straightened hair, sighing at the twitchy man who still stood too close for comfort. Ray fell over Gerard’s floor trying to get to the window and the other two shuffled up beside him, trying to catch the other half of the conversation. Frank had gone back to yelling, not caring if no one was listening now. His cheeks were flushed and he bit his lip over and over between yells, seeming determined to rip his silver lip ring right out of his skin. “Yeah, I can hear him!” So could Gerard as he stuck his ear as close to the speaker as he could, trying not to care about being attacked from all angles by Ray’s hair. If Frank looked angry then he sounded fearsome, his voice now hitting new volumes that seemed impossible to be coming from someone who was so innocent to look at; well maybe not always, well maybe never.

“Is that Gerard?” Frank moved towards Bob who batted him away with one big hand and gave him a gentle shove which almost sent Frank flying backwards.

“No! Calm down, pint-sized! It’s Ray!” Frank looked ready to kill; he really was edgy about his height.

“Bob, if you don’t make it through this, just know that I love you.” Ray spoke so seriously that Mikey couldn’t help but let out an uncontrollable giggle that Bob seemed to hear from outside, because his lips rose into a smirk.

“Love you too, babe!” Bob blew an exaggerated kiss towards the window and gave a low bow with the hand that wasn’t holding back Frank. Ray made a stupid girly sound that made Gerard want to be sick or hit something, because it reminded him too much of how Frank had made him feel. Before Frank had ruined everything. 

“Bob, you’re an idiot!” Mikey spoke, causing everyone to wonder in unison why it had suddenly gone so quiet.

Frank stood, looking transfixed at the window where Bob had blown a kiss to and stared blankly at Gerard, who couldn’t think of anything to do except stare back. He tried not to let his eyes well up at the image of Frank’s own tear stained face but it was all too much. Frank’s hands found the crumpled letter in his pocket and he shakily removed in from its envelope, his eyes never leaving Gerard’s.

‘How could you?’

The single sentence was enough to cause Gerard to sway on his feet and even as he felt two pairs of arms rush to catch him, he felt his world turn cold.


	2. A Broken Seal

When Gerard woke up, it was with a pair of tattooed hands wrapped around his throat. He only had enough time to gasp for breath before Frank was roughly shoved off of him and kicked into a corner by the hard toe of Bob’s trainer. Frank let out a yelp as Bob’s foot met his leg but smoothed his face out quickly, hiding any pain he felt. Gerard panicked and tried to move to his feet and scramble into the far corner but the room spun around him. Mikey quickly gripped his shoulders but could do little more than throw Gerard back onto the sofa; his limp arms struggling under his brother’s weight.

“You just fainted, dude! Don’t be so fucking stupid!” Mikey couldn’t hide the annoyance he felt and when Ray tried to pat Mikey’s arm, he threw his friend off and stalked across the room, into the corner that Gerard so greatly desired to hide in.

Gerard let himself take a few shallow breaths before opening his eyes again to see Frank readying himself for another lunge at the sofa. Bob caught Frank by the scruff of his shirt just in time and Gerard suddenly realised how big Bob really was.

“You were let in here because you said you could behave! Now, can you behave, Frank?”

Frank frowned furiously at being treated like a child but nodded his head and felt himself being released from the larger man’s tight hold. He tried to regain what dignity he had left by smoothing his shirt and covering his arms firmly over his chest, while giving Gerard a horrible look.

“It’s no wonder Gee’s been having panic attacks…” Mikey muttered to himself in the corner, causing all eyes to fall on where Gerard was slumped unattractively on the sofa.

“Have not!” Gerard spoke from behind his hands as they massaged away what was going to be one hell of a headache. He supposed the lump he felt was from when he’d hit the floor.

Once he was sure that he wasn’t about to faint again, Gerard removed his hands and looked around the room taking everything in. Mikey watched him anxiously, trying to remain looking cross but still ready to run should Gerard collapse again. Ray stood close to Bob, mirroring Mikey’s anxious expression except turning to watch Frank who leaned uneasily against a wall, ready to fight any who told him on, or didn’t, in Gerard’s case. Bob looked like he was pretending not to look at Frank but his shoulders revealed that he was tensed to stop Frank should he once again try to attack. The items that had previously been laid all over the floor where now moved into piles and the plates had disappeared, Gerard assumed, into the kitchen. He knew it would have been Frank that had the obsessive need to tidy things away. How long had he been out for? 

It was then that Gerard’s eyes fell on the letter, its white backing highlighting the words clearly for all to see. It lay on the other end of the sofa and Gerard tried to silently move the letter towards him, shielding it from their eyes.

“We’ve already read it.” Ray’s sharp eyes caught him before he could even lay a hand on the crumpled paper.

Gerard slumped back into the cushions and pulled his legs up to his chest, trying to still his rapid breathing as he felt four pairs of eyes on him, burning into his skin. 

“No.” Frank spoke quietly and this caused the distraction he needed to leap around Bob and Ray and grab hold of Gerard’s legs.

Bob instantly moved towards him, hand looming but Frank gave a ‘trust me’ look which made Bob pause slightly. He stepped back but refused to move back towards Ray. Instead Ray shuffled towards him, intertwining their hands and burying his face into Bob’s shoulder. Bob stroked Ray’s hair lovingly. Ray was as much of a pacifist as Gerard. Gerard turned back to Frank to see that Frank’s eyes were glaring into him. He tried to move away from Frank’s touch but his grip just tightened on Gerard’s legs, fingernails digging in through the black denim.

“No.” Frank repeated silkily, the light behind his eyes still displaying anger but now he seemed to be in control of his emotions, at least for the meanwhile.

“You can’t just curl up into a ball and pretend it’s all okay.” Frank’s eyes glazed over as he carefully tucked a black strand of hair behind Gerard’s ear, cupping his face as he did so.

This wasn’t fair. Gerard tried to move away again but Frank just placed both hands to his face so that their eyes connected. Gerard held back a gasp as he took in the beauty that was Frank. He watched the brown orbs of light flicker across his face and tried not to stare as Frank ran his tongue along his top lip before speaking.

“Do you really want me out the band, Gee?” Gerard sighed exasperatedly and Frank wrinkled his nose against the tidal wave of coffee scented breath that hit him. It wasn’t that he didn’t like the smell; it just held too many memories. Frank closed his eyes, not wanting to look too closely at Gerard, scared at what his body would make him do.

He felt, rather than saw, Gerard shake his head, slowly at first but then faster as if he had just realised the answer himself. Frank’s eyes opened cautiously and he was met with Gerard’s soft stare. He watched a small, delicate tear trace Gerard’s cheek bone and thought nothing of brushing it away, caressing the soft skin under his callused thumb.

“Then why?”

Frank watched as the head of black hair slumped forwards and Gerard shrank in on himself, trying to close himself off completely. His shoulders shook in an effort to hold himself together. Gerard held his breath as he felt a gush of hot breath on the back of his neck and a pair of lips lightly brush against his ear.

“You know this is why I broke up with you, right?” The whisper was quiet so only he could hear and Gerard began to feel his lungs burn with the need for air, wishing he wasn’t going to break down like he always did. Except now there were people to see, people to know how weak he was. Frank would know that Gerard had never deserved him.

“Sometimes, Gee. Sometimes you’re so strong. Like on stage, that’s another side of you. You’re brave for them, brave for us. You look so happy.” Frank smiled into Gerard’s hair, needing to hold him closer to his body, to feel his heartbeat against his skin but knowing that it would only make Gerard more scared. Gerard exhaled quietly, silently wishing that Frank would crush their bodies together, needing his touch so as to believe that the words were true.

“And other times… It’s like you’re in another place. You’re not here. You’re in your own world and that’s okay; you’re cute when you’re out of it.” Gerard began to shiver uncontrollably and Frank hoped that it wasn’t through fear. He chanced moving closer and gently parted the other’s legs so that their bodies could fit together, like two pieces of the same puzzle.

“But you need to come back to reality. For the band. For Mikey…” Frank swallowed the ‘for me’ that he badly wanted to say, feeling Gerard inhale in anticipation for it but knowing that after all he’d done to someone so fragile, it wasn’t fair to just assume they could begin where they’ve left off. He’d broken Gerard and he wasn’t sure how easy to fix their relationship would be.

“I just thought …” Gerard’s voice shook with emotion and Frank stopped trying to hold back the tears, letting them roll down his face and soak the beautifully shiny hair that he was almost trying to bury himself in, “I thought it’d be easier this way.”

Soft sobs started to shake Gerard’s body and Frank felt movement behind him, like the others were unsure whether to try and comfort Gee or to pull Frank off or leave them alone. No one moved any closer though and Frank pulled away from the sobbing wreck of the man he loved, looking deep into the pools of brown, lighter than his own so that the emotion bled more easily through. His fingers rubbed away the many tears and he inhaled, taking in all of Gerard’s smell with him, needing to remember the time when he’d been so close to fixing everything; just in case this was really the end.

“Easier on who? On the others?”

For the first time, Gerard seemed to remember that everyone was watching him and he blushed, his pale cheeks hinting a light rose as he met each of their eyes. Bob gripped onto Ray who looked on the verge of breaking himself but the man who had previously protected him now refused to meet his gaze. Mikey gave him a weak smile but he knew how much looking after him over the past few weeks, since Frank had ended it, had taken out of him. No, he realised, it wasn’t easier on them.

“On you?” Gerard let the weight of Frank’s words slowly crush him and found he was scared to look into his eyes, knowing that he would see pity in them and not wanting that. He wanted to see love there, pure love and lust and adoration not someone who felt sorry for him but someone who wanted to be with him, just as he wanted to be with Frank.

“On me?” That’s when Gerard broke. He shoved Frank’s loving hands away with ease and bolted as fast as he could for the back door. He wanted someone to catch him, someone to stop him. But there was only silence as his feet stumbled clumsily, unable to see through a curtain of tears, outside where no one could hear his cries of heart wrenching pain.

There was only one way to numb this kind of pain. And he remembered it well. 


	3. Caution

“We’ll find him. I promise you, we’ll find him!”

Frank couldn’t help but flinch under Ray’s sympathetic touch and move away, trying to block out his kind words. Because though they were true (how many places were there to hide in one town?), he was still worried. Mikey and Bob had gone in one direction, he and Ray in another. Though Ray had been sorry to leave Bob, it didn’t take a genius to realise that neither Frank nor Mikey where going to capable of must more than driving their cars over a bridge. The way Frank was feeling, that idea didn’t seem too bad at all. He’d done that to Gerard. He’d broken him, indefinitely.

“We’ll find him.” Ray seemed to be trying to reassure himself more than Frank who could do little more than gaze out into the rain, watching the raindrops swirl idly down the window, meshing together and twirling some long ago forgotten dance, taunting Frank in their couplets.

“We’ll-“Ray began but Frank had had enough.

“Yes, we’ll find him. Lying in some gutter, sick down his shirt. Because don’t lie to me and say that’s not where he’s gone. Because you remember just how bad he got before. Don’t tell me you don’t!”

His words were pointless; he knew that that’s what Ray had been thinking anyway. His sobs weren’t going to help Gerard now but he needed to let that out. He could be strong for Gerard; at least he’d thought he could. Seeing Gerard shatter into a million pieces, seemed to have broken him too.

“Frankie, I –“Ray was almost glad when his phone sounded, knowing that no words could have made anything any better. 

“Okay, we’re coming.”

Ray’s eyes were bright as they found Frank’s in the sudden brightness of the overhead street light. He tried not to get his hopes up, really he did, but Frank noted that Ray swallowed slightly before bearing his usual toothy grin.

“They’ve found him.”


	4. Fragile

“Want another drink, babe?” The drunken breath felt hot against his neck but he knew without having to look that the person talking would never be, could never be the one he wanted. A blurry image of Frank entered his mind, his perfect skin, his beautiful hair, his eyes…

“Sure.” He could get away from his mind the only way he knew how.

A vodka bottle was thrust into his open palm and Gerard thought nothing of breathing in the liquid like air, tasting the harsh burn in the back of his throat and loving it, needing it. It wasn’t until a hand gently touched his that he remembered he wasn’t alone in his basement bedroom drinking alone, like the old days.

“Slow down, beautiful. I want you to be conscious!” A small lamp in the corner threw shadows that cast their faces into darkness, leaving him wondering where he was and who he was with.

He listened for the tell-tale sounds of flickering neon signs and the smells of urine and dumpsters to tell him that they were still in the alley outside the club. But there was only quiet, a soft song playing in the background. He tried to hum the tune, needing some form of normality even if it was just a distant memory. The first place he’d heard the song, who he’d been with when he’d heard it, something like that. All he had now was the dark and a vodka bottle. He remembered the bottle and downed the rest, not caring as it dripped down his neck, onto his chest. Not caring what a sight he looked because the only person he truly cared about wasn’t here to see him.

Da Da Da-Dum Da Da Dum-Da Da Da-

His last ‘Da’ was caught between a stranger’s lips as he felt rough hands slide down his body, carelessly shoving fingers through his hair and groping with propose between his legs.

“Uh!” Gerard shoved the man’s hands off of him and moved away as far as he could to the end of the –

Bed. He took the time to look around him and realised he was in someone’s bedroom. The owner of the hands probably. The room spun around him as he tried to remember how he’d got here. He couldn’t remember a car ride or anything. He just remembered the alley and the –

He glanced at the dealer who watched him dangerously. He’d forgotten his wallet at home and after buying drinks for him all night and supplying him with, God knows how many spiffs; of course this guy wanted some kind of payment. He moved to stand up, wondering if he’d even be able to make it to the door frame without collapsing but his lips were immediately shoved against another’s. The more he squirmed, the further back onto the bed he was pulled until he was being straddled, his wrists held down and his screams of protest disappearing into an alcohol fumed mouth. A tongue danced careless patterns along his own and Gerard bit down harder and harder on it, hoping to pull the man off but only seeming to egg him on.

When they came up for air, Gerard’s eyes were shining with tears and his screams had turned to sobs. The guy looked into his face and smiled sickeningly down at him, using his tongue to catch the salty tears as they fell.

“Please-“His words were cut off by a sharp slap across his face and his gasp only made the man’s eyes sparkle.

“Shhh now, baby. Don’t cry!” The rough hands stroked his skin and Gerard tried to think of Frank’s hands, remembering the way the rough, callused finger tips had strangely contrasted with his soft palms.

“I’m only taking what you own me, right?” A fist connected with the side of Gerard’s face, making him teeth clatter and for a second, he thought he saw an image of the stars in the night sky.

“Right?” The voice was lower now and taunting. Gerard felt himself nod and gasped again as the stranger began to move on top of him. 

His vision swooned again and he felt the world becoming darker. He prayed that he wouldn’t black out, not now. But the drugs seemed to be finally having their effect on him, he was starting to forget. Forget what? He didn’t know. Only that the rough shoves against him where starting to make something stir inside him and he knew what would happen next. He was pulled into a rough kiss and he went gladly, tasting the alcohol in his own mouth, letting the strange mouth capture his and tasting something familiar and metallic. He wondered whose blood he tasted. If it was his then he felt no pain.

A bang from far away made the rhythm against him stop and he moaned, trying to buck up against the other to get more friction but found he couldn’t move the lower half of his body. It didn’t matter so much. He hadn’t felt this relaxed in, he didn’t know how long.

“Stay here.” He moaned louder when he was left alone of the bed but at least now he could shut his eyes and sleep. The darkness that had threatened to pull him under now seemed like an old friend, helping him slip gradually into the black. He could hear shouting from downstairs and what sounded like the scuffle of a fight but what did it matter to him? He would be gone soon. Maybe he’d see his grandma there. That would be nice.

“Gerard!” Frank was suddenly over him but his eyes refused to stay open. He let them close, allowing the scent of mint and coffee to wash over him, engulfing him.

“Whiirr dii ya goo, Frrrankey?” He breathed inwards and tried to pull Frank’s body down onto him but Frank seemed more insistent on getting him to stand up, even though they both knew it was hopeless.

“I didn’t go anywhere. It was you that ran off.” He managed a few words before trying once again to move Gerard into a sitting position but he gave up quite quickly. A strong pair of arms folded his body inwards and he started moving, pressed against Frank’s chest, feeling his warm heartbeat beneath his shirt. Gerard rolled back his head and started delicately nipping on the ear of his rescuer before licking slowly along Frank’s chin.

“Frank, your boyfriend’s molesting me.” The sound of Bob made Gerard giggle and he slumped into Bob’s chest, giggling nonstop as he realised who was carrying him.

“Fuuu-k offf Bobbb! I waaant Frrrankey!” Gerard’s voice sounded funny and he laughed loudly at the way his voice echoed. They were … Outside? He couldn’t tell. No, inside. It was warm again.

“I’m right here, Gee.” Frank seemed to come from nowhere and suddenly he was slumping up against someone, a pair of arms that must have been Frank’s pulling him in tightly as the car all five of them were squashed into, began to move slowly back to the house.

“Yaa knnnooow, yaa can fuu-k mi if yaa waaant, babbyy.” Gerard dropped his hand into the area he assumed Frank’s crotch would be and started stroking forcefully, well with as much force as he could manage.

“Someone please shut him up!” Mikey’s wail made Gerard laugh again, trying to track Mikey’s voice to its owner but giving up and turning back to his task. A hand quickly shoved Gerard away and pressed a kiss delicately to his forehead. He relaxed instantly and he felt Frank hold him closer.

“Maybe later.” He heard rude murmurs around him as the others got horrible images in their heads of what would happen ‘later’, causing Frank to laugh into Gerard’s hair, but he just sighed contently and smiled into Frank’s chest, finally happy to let the lulling of the car pull him into sleep.


	5. Breakable

“Hey, Frank?” Mikey watched as Frank raised his head lazily from the bed, trying not to disturb the sleeping Gee who he clutched protectively; but honestly Gerard still looked pretty out of it.

“I need to go home, get some clothes and shit. I’ll probably slum it here for a while. He shouldn’t really be on his own.” Frank glanced down at the innocent face beside him, free of frown lines, free of worries. Until he opened his eyes, at least.

“Wait a sec.” Mikey paused at the doorway, watching as Frank tried to carefully reach into his pocket without moving Gerard. The sleeping man gave a moan and pulled closer but Frank had already retrieved his keys from his jeans. Frank placed a small kiss to Gerard’s forehead, making Mikey’s lips twitch upwards before throwing the keys to Mikey, who dropped them clumsily.

“What are-“Mikey spoke bending down to pick them up.

“Keys to my flat. Would you mind getting some shirts and my guitar? It’s on the way.”

“You’re staying too?” Mikey asked thoughtfully, watching as Frank’s cheeks flushed a little under his stare.

“Yeah… I just thought maybe…I-“Frank’s tongue wouldn’t let him speak and he kept his eyes fixed on Gerard so as not to meet Mikey’s gaze, which looked more intimidating than usual from behind his frames.

“I think it’s a good idea.” Mikey smirked at the blush he had caused, biting his lip playfully as he looked at the two on the bed. “He missed you.”

Mikey ducked out of the room, his steps inaudible on the stairs due to his lack of weight, or just maybe, it was because he hung around outside the door for a moment, watching as Frank leaned in to kiss Gerard once more, tucking his hair lovingly behind his ear.

“I missed you too.”


	6. Undeliverable

Frank had been paranoid about leaving Gerard alone even for a second. What if he woke up and panicked, couldn’t figure where he was? But eventually Mikey’s promise of pancakes had won out though Frank still ran upstairs every other minute to check he was still asleep.

“Frank! Sit! Eat!” Mikey demanded as Frank twitched in the direction of the door once again.

“You’re giving me motion sickness.” Frank stuck out his tongue and shoved in another piece of pancake, opening his mouth so Mikey could watch him chew.

“That’s disgusting!” Mikey rolled his eyes at Frank before tipping almost an entire bottle of tomato ketchup onto his own food. He looked up to see Frank’s nose wrinkle in distaste.

“Gerard’s idea.” A small smile crept around both of their faces. Of course, it had to be his idea.

“But it tastes so good though!” Mikey leant forward to tip the remainder of the sauce onto Frank’s already syrup covered pancakes but a hand batted him away with an ‘I’ll pass’ grunt.

A dollop fell on the table and before Mikey could swoop in to clean it, Frank let his finger move of its accord to wipe it up and flick the ketchup into Mikey’s face.

“Ah!” Mikey tripped over his chair in a mad rush to get to the mirror, his arms flapping humorously as he looked at his cheek where the offending sauce had landed.

“Dick! Is it in my hair?” Mikey turned anxiously to look at Frank who was trying to silently hold back peals of laughter but failing miserably.

“Fine.” Frank had little time to react before a generous helping of syrup was squirted into his short mess of hair. As Mikey attacked him, the two legs of the chair Frank had been leaning back on gave out, causing them both to fall with a thud onto the floor.

“Ow Dude! Seriously?!” But that’s all Frank could say before he descended into stupid giggles again, this time with Mikey laughing too, tears visible on both of their faces.

“Man, I miss this.” Frank spoke as Mikey remembered his hair and moved to sit up, pulling Frank up by the wrist.

“Well, it’s your fault.” Frank gave him a look which made Mikey stop fiddling with his hair and face him properly for the first time that day.

“Once you dumped Gee, I sort of thought that was the end. The end of all of it.” Frank’s teeth moved to chew on his lip, a habit he knew he had to stop but it was just the distraction he needed so as to avoid taking in what Mikey was saying.

“You really hurt him, Frank.” This caused him to sigh loudly and pull his knees to his chest, remembering how Gerard had done it and wondering if there was anything behind the position which actually worked. It just made his pants move uncomfortably up his ass and he relaxed his legs again. Mikey watched all this sideways and grabbed Frank by the chin so that they would have to make eye contact.

“Look! I know you have the concentration levels of a 5 year old but listen. This is important!”

Mikey took a breath like he was readying himself for something big. Frank watched carefully, looking at the way Mikey’s lips clenched into a hard line and knew he was in for it now.

“He cried for days. Wouldn’t leave his room. He hasn’t eaten a proper meal in, I don’t know how long. He wouldn’t sleep. Would only talk to me!” Mikey’s face had started to crumple but when Frank extended a hand towards him, he was only hit away, eyes observing closely to make sure Frank was still listening. 

“It got so bad he started to crave shit the way he used to. If he gets aggressive again, when it’s just me and him, what do I do, Frank? I can do fuck all!” None of them wanted to think back to the times when one of them would have a new bruise after a particularly bad night with Gerard. It was like an unspoken agreeable between them that it would never be talked about. Gee was a different person now, wasn’t he?

“The day before you came, he was shaking so bad and nothing would calm him down. He talked like he used too. About… About killing himself, Frankie!” Mikey did nothing to stop a pair of arms grabbing him close and didn’t try to move away, letting the fabric of Frank’s shirt soak up his quiet sobs.

“I’m here now. What I did was bullshit. I know that now, okay?” Mikey’s hair was softer to stroke their Gerard’s, probably from all the time he spent maintaining it but he was also bonier, making the hug more awkward as they were both so small. Frank tried not to care, pulling Mikey in closer so that he could feel his glasses being pushed uncomfortably between them; but Mikey didn’t try and move away.

“I guess I thought that it would easier ending it like that then in a few months from now, when we’re touring again. You guys would all be affected and it’s not like any of you were all that supportive when we first got together…” Frank remembered the switching of looks between them all. Gerard had chosen a hotel night so that everyone was more relaxed (and clean) but still there had been an awkward vibe around them all. Even Mikey had drifted apart them his brother which Frank knew had crushed Gee.

“It wasn’t like that!” Mikey moved against Frank’s chest, letting his arms loosen a little around Frank so that he could relax more into the hug.

“It’s just, you never told us. All the stage stuff, we never thought it went beyond that. Plus, we all know how you both are!” Frank tried not to be offended by Mikey’s words but yes, he knew how they both were. Gerard switched between comics and Xbox games nightly, quickly getting bored of one and moving on. Who’s to say that Frank wasn’t just a new game he’d picked up and would soon get bored of, letting him fall down the back of his bunk, like he had with Ray’s precious Walking Dead comics; that had been lost for weeks underneath piles of Gerard’s art supplies and dirty clothes.

Then there was Frank, who he himself would admit was kind of a slut in the relationship department. He just liked to mix it up a bit, go out with different guys/girls every other week. So, yes he could see where they were coming from.

“But can’t you feel how different it is now? It just feels so much more real, more intimate and it’s not just about sex!” Frank felt Mikey shift uncomfortably against his chest, not liking the sex idea all too much probably.

“I’d never seen him so happy. But I don’t know about you, Frank.” 

“I’m just better at hiding my emotions, I guess. Gerard’s always been the heart-on-his-sleeve kind of guy. That’s just one thing I love about him though.” It’s what helped Gerard be the artist and creative person that he was. He was so in touch with all his feelings and emotions that he could easily spill them into any piece of artwork or song he wished to. That’s why he was so good at what he did.

“And do you?” Mikey’s words brought him back to where they sat, clutching each other on the kitchen floor.

“Hmm?” 

“Do you love him?”

“Yes. Course I do!” The response was instant which made Mikey slide out of Frank’s arms to study his face carefully. Frank couldn’t help the stupid smile that was spreading across his face. He loved Gerard. How could he not?

“Then tell him that, douche!” Mikey gave Frank a playful kick as he steadied himself on his feet, moving to clean up the mess they’d made. Frank watched Mikey for a moment before letting his face brighten and running full pelt up the stairs towards Gerard’s room. He didn’t care about being quiet; Frank would wake him up if he had too! Frank turned the corner of the room, ready to leap over the messy floor to actually, physically sweep the gorgeous man into his arms and kiss him all over. Tell him how much he loved him and never let him go! Except for one small problem.

Gerard was gone.


	7. Sealed

“Gee?” Frank let the whisper fall from his lips, even though he could see the bed was now empty.

Frank let his body pull him across the room, pulling back the covers more than they already were as if Gerard could be curled up in a ball at the other end. But the bed remained empty, no matter how much he stared at the old Star Trek sheets, he couldn’t make Gerard reappear. His brightly tattooed hand contrasted oddly with the sheets as he felt the space which had a moment ago been occupied. Still warm. He stroked the warmth and closed his eyes. Maybe the guy who’d taken him last night had come back? With him and Mikey downstairs? And the front door locked? Okay, maybe not. But how else-

His eyes fell on the open window, looking at the gap and thinking how easily Gerard could have slipped onto the ledge outside. He moved quickly to look outside, a horrible splattered image of Gee with blood dripping and staining his immaculately pale skin, his eyes no longer seeing. But the sidewalk was empty, except for the usual concoction of leaves, cigarette butts and take away boxes which could be found all over New Jersey. Could he have made that jump? He supposed, it wasn’t that high. Where would he go? To find a bar? A bridge? Frank suddenly had to hug himself to stop the cold shivers he felt running down his arms from shaking his body.

“Mikey!” Frank moved quickly to the staircase, taking them two at a time. He didn’t want to hurt Mikey any more than he already was (hurting the people around him seemed to be like a pastime for him at the minute) but he’d now run out of ideas and the sooner they found Gerard the better.

“Mikey, he’s gone. Gerard’s-“

Frank made himself breathe as he let himself fall against the kitchen wall. Gerard watched him nervously from his position at the coffee machine, Mikey clutching three mugs as he let his eyes flick uncomfortably between the two of them, wondering who would speak first.

“I-“ Frank tried but realised how ridiculous he must have looked, the panic still gripping his shoulders as he watched Gerard play with his hands, head ducked and cheeks flushed.

“I-uh-I went to the bathroom.” Gerard spoke flatly and swallowed so as to get rid of the lump he felt forming in his throat. This was stupid. It was just Frank, just Frank. Frank that was so scared of losing him that he’d nearly fallen down the stairs to find him. So why was he so nervous?

“How are you?” Frank asked, though Gerard’s slightly sweaty and pale face told him the answer he needed.

“Fine.” The answer was final and Frank didn’t try to push it.

“He was sick.” Mikey said simply, making the tension worse without meaning to.

“Oh, shut up!” Gerard bit his lip, realising quickly that the harshness in his voice had been too much.

Mikey just dismissed the look of apology he was getting and stepped towards the door. 

“I’ll go get that milk now?” Mikey spoke, drawing Frank’s eyes to him as he asked the question but Mikey didn’t look at Frank, just carefully studied Gerard.

“Okay, I’ll just be in here then,” Mikey gave his brother a reassuring smile before shutting the door behind him.

Frank glanced unsure at the closed door before turning to catch Gerard’s eye. It was clear why Mikey had decided to say close, Gerard looked at the verge of blacking out again. He seemed to think so too because a pale hand moved to grasp the table and Gerard’s eyes closed tightly, trying to stop the room spinning. Was this all because he was alone with Frank again? Frank tried to pretend it wasn’t and silently side stepped the table, standing close to the man in case his arms were needed. He realised instantly what a bad idea it was not to clear his throat, stamp his feet, something because as soon as Gerard looked up, the whites of his eyes shone surprised and his knees became unsteady.

“S’kay. I’ve got you.” Frank let his hands grip Gerard’s waist tightly, sliding out a chair with his foot so that he could sit.

Gerard muttered something before moving away from Frank’s touch. After removing his hands, Frank took a small step to the other side of the table before thinking ‘fuck it’ and collapsing into the chair nearer Gee. Gerard flinched, leaving Frank feeling unsure again, neither knowing what to say next.

Frank gave up first, mainly because he couldn’t take it anymore.

“I’m so sorry. For everything.” It seemed so pathetic to say but it was a start, at least.

“It’s okay.” Gerard let the ghost of a smile touch his lips before falling silent again.

“This is in no way okay, Gee!” Frank let his hand illustrate what he was saying, gesturing to Gerard who moved quickly away from the movement, his eyes widening.

“Look what I’ve done to you.” Frank whispered, trying to keep his voice even but finding that it dipped as he watched Gerard move as far away from him as the table allowed. Gee froze as if realising what he was doing and tried to relax but something kept stopping him.

“You didn’t do this to me.” Gerard seemed to also be having trouble keeping his voice steady and cleared his throat a little as if meaning to carry on talking but the quiet fell into place once again. Frank nervously chewed his lip ring then mentally hit himself and stopped, watching Gerard instead, watching the way he deliberately kept his eyes on the table, his head down and forcing out quiet breaths so as not to disturb the air around him; like a living statue, like he didn’t want to exist.

“You never used to be like this. I mean you had your moments … But you were never this-” Frank struggled for a word, not wanting to say something wrong and cause any more hurt.

“Nervous. Awkward. Twitchy.” Gerard sighed at his own words and shook his head sadly.

“That’s just who I am, Frank. I am that bright, outspoken person sometimes. I love being that person. But when I’m-“Gerard cut himself off, not daring to finish.

“When you’re what?” Frank shifted a little closer just to see what would happen. Gerard froze though he had to force himself to stay perfectly still.

“When I’m with you. And recently when I’m without you too, I become this other person. Who can’t keep still, can’t be around large groups of people. Doesn’t like being looked at. Can’t look others in the eye. Doesn’t like physical contact. Can’t talk without stuttering or hold a proper conversation without drifting off into my head.” Frank watched as Gerard’s spilt his soul to him with big eyes and shaking lips that Frank needed to still with a kiss, his face broken and crumpled that Frank needed to smooth with his fingers, his trembling body that Frank desperately needed to hold close to him. But he couldn’t do any of things, not without pushing Gerard further away.

“Why?” Frank spoke the small word, afraid of the answer but needing one, needing to know what exactly he’d done to Gerard so he could try to fix it.

“Because I love you.” Frank let his mouth fall open as Gerard’s eyes found his, only for a second though, before slipping back down to his lap.

“And I’m scared I’ve lost you. That I’ve pushed you away.” His voice sounded on the edge of cracking again and Frank just had to sit there, feeling completely helpless.

“Hey!” Gerard’s eyes met his again before drifting away, not daring to properly see the emotions there, in case they didn’t show him what he wanted to see.

“You could never push me away.” Frank let a silence fall so that Gerard could take in the words but the only movement was a small slump of Gerard’s shoulder, almost like he was tired. Tired of being lied to.

“Then why did you leave me?”

“Because I was stupid and scared. I thought it was too good to last and I ran away so that I didn’t have to lose the memories. So that I didn’t have to lose you.”

“But you did lose me, Frank. The me you fell in love with,” Frank noticed how hesitant Gerard was to say these last words like it was just another lie he’d been fed, “That me is gone.”

Frank tried to think of something to say but he was just glad that Gerard was actually speaking properly now. Even if the words he was speaking were words of self-loathing.

“You will always be that geeky kid with the crazily good vocals that I saw play in that basement.” A trace of a smile flickered across Gerard’s face but it wasn’t enough. Frank moved closer and Gerard hung his head, trying desperately not to move and ruin the moment.

“You will always be the guy I know who needs to shower more.” Gerard gave a grunt and watched Frank through a gap in his hair, satisfied with the curtain of black he was hidden behind.

“And you will always be that kid who collects comic books, watches Nightmare before Christmas every single Christmas, can do his eyeliner better than the majority of the female population and has an opinion on anything and everything!”

Gerard tilted his head, just a little so that Frank could see his eyes. Though he kept having to break the contact, he always brought back his eyes to find Frank’s, watching the mixture of emotions in them. He hoped he saw love there but he couldn’t be sure.

“And you will always be the guy I love.” Gerard let his mouth fall open a little and took the time to breathe in and out deeply, his eyes trying to memorise every little detail of Frank’s face; just in case.

“Is it worth the risk?” He let his sliver of self-doubt slip from his lips, hating the way it made Frank frown and wishing he’d said nothing.

“Sorry.”

“No. Don’t apologise!” Frank’s voice was sharp but his eyes kept Gerard’s gaze locked, almost daring him to look away.

“Never apologise to me, okay?” Frank seemed to want an answer so Gerard nodded slowly, not altogether sure what he was agreeing too.

“You’re worth the risk!” Frank leant forwards slowly, feeling Gerard’s breath pick up but not stopping until he was an inch from Gerard’s face. He cautiously pressed a kiss to the smooth skin on his cheek and clasped their hands together. He pulled back a little but still close enough so that Frank had to choose one of Gerard’s eyes to focus on at a time.

“I love you, Gerard.”

“I love you too.” Frank moved back, giving Gerard’s hands one last squeeze before withdrawing. But it was enough. Enough for now.


	8. Returned to sender

“Goodnight Glasgow!” The crowd screamed back at Gerard as he blew one final kiss into the audience and moved off with the rest of the band. They could still hear the crowd screaming long after their microphone packs were removed and they were being hustled off stage. They all immediately moved towards the stage hands who held chilled bottles which were miles better than the warmed water they sipped throughout the set. Gerard ran ahead of the others to relieve one of venue staff of two bottles and grinned cheekily at the others. Mikey had no problem swerving the others and claimed one for himself while Bob simply had to shove Frank aside to pick up two for him and Ray. Ray gave him a small smile which was quickly covered by Bob’s lips, the sweat from the set still fresh of their faces.

“Gee, gimme!” Frank stepped towards the now white blonde singer but Gerard only moved into the dressing room. The others piled in, ready to free themselves of their uniforms and face paint while all Frank wanted was something to quench his thirst. Gerard lent teasingly against the wall, still high off the adrenalin from playing. He hid Frank’s water behind his back and turned, pretending to watch Mikey at the mirror, apparently oblivious to Frank’s careful steps towards him. Frank didn’t want to cross any of the boundaries that they had put in place but man, he needed that drink.

Gerard suddenly turned and fluttered his dark eyelashes in a way that should have made him look stupid but instead Frank decided, made him look positively fuck-worthy. With his make up all smudged with sweat and his throat glistening, Frank would have to be cautious about what would happen next. After shows, Gerard was always more relaxed but Frank didn’t want to do something they’d both regret later. So Frank gave him a chance, he honestly did. He held out his hand and waited.

“Please can I have my water babe?” Gerard tried to look innocent but couldn’t help the smirk that spread across his face.

“Come and get it … Babe.” He spoke mockingly, biting his lip and pulling his arms further behind his back so that his hips stuck out more in a very attractive way. Frank’s eyes must have glazed over because Gerard smiled wider. Did he not know what he did to Frank?

Frank had given him the chance, now they would both have to face any consequences. Frank slipped his arms around Gerard, watching the other’s face carefully for signs of discomfort but Gerard looked at peace teasing Frank. Frank reached further and brushed his leg up against Gerard’s, by accident, making Gerard moan a little. Frank’s eyebrow rose and before Gerard could do anything, Frank had stuck his thigh between Gerard’s legs, causing the singer to gasp louder. Frank heard the small bang and bent down, flashing Gerard a smile as he took a long gulp of water. He flicked his tongue out before turning to the mirrors.

“Hey,” his voice spoke out silkily, “I wasn’t done!”

Frank didn’t have time to fully turn around before he was pulled into a tight embrace. Gerard’s lips found his and begun to kiss him hotly. Frank didn’t care that they were probably getting some looks and even though it was by no means their first kiss, Gerard had initiated it which made it more meaningful somehow. Frank’s tongue licked at Gerard’s upper lip requesting entrance and Gerard gave in easily. Frank just let the hot sensation of Gerard’s mouth fill him up and nipped at Gerard’s lip hungrily.

“Uh.”

The small sound made Frank move away instantly, his eyes looking for signs of pain. Maybe Gerard had been trying to get away and he hadn’t noticed. But Gerard just looked back doe eyed, his make up more fucked up than before and his lips red with the attention Frank’s teeth had been paying to them.

“I’m sorry. I thought you were-“Frank began but Gerard just kissed him lightly on the lips, shutting him up.

“It’s fine. Thank you,” Frank pressed their foreheads together and they breathed, Gerard staring straight into Frank’s eyes and not caring. 

“Can we…” Frank moved off of Gerard’s body quickly, knowing the uncomfortable look that Gerard’s face had started to take on.

Frank kept his hand clutching Gerard’s, his tattooed fingers looking amazing against Gerard’s beautifully blank and pale ones; if he did say so himself.

“Is this okay?”

Gerard beamed at him, his white teeth gleaming and he looked so blissfully happy in that moment that Frank’s fingers began to itch for a camera. He wanted to keep this moment for ever.

“This is perfect.” Frank’s fingers were given a small squeeze.

“You’re perfect.” Gerard gushed at that, biting his lip in the way that Frank loved.

“I love you, Frankie.”

“Love you too, Gee.”


End file.
